When we feel like we can’t take it anymore and we just want out, remember, every seemingly unlivable time in our lives is temporary, and we need to stick around, because we never know what excellent things are waiting for us.
So I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but twll dyn was a new one. When I accidently spilled my milk all over him, Gareth gave it to me.
Actually it was followed by a few other things he said that I didn’t understand, like, “Be' ddiawl sy'n le 'da chi? Pam chi ddim yn gwylio lle chi'n mynd!”
I don’t think any of them were meant to be compliments, but I did try my best to help him clean up, and I think maybe by the end of lunch break we might have been on our way to becoming friends.
He did smile and say, “Wanca,” as he walked away, so maybe.
Although I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, I knew tomorrow’s lunch break would be memorable. I would have myself a cute new friend with a seriously cute accent. Welsh accent, I quickly found out from my best friend Amy.
It seems sometimes things are just meant to be. That was until third period break. That’s when my counsellor called me into her office. I guess the administration had decided I had too many free periods so I was going to be forced to take an extra course. I could take Phys. Ed. 20, Drama 20, or Home Ec. 20.
Well since there aren’t a lot of guys 5’6” and 107 lbs playing football or basketball, sports were out of the question, so Phys. Ed. …gone. I love cooking and I’m probably a better cook than the Home Ec. teacher, so Home Ec. …gone. That left Drama.
Of course, Drama was at the same time as first lunch break. Damn it, now I wouldn’t be able to have lunch with my new friend. In fact, I would barely get to see him at all, except once in a while between classes…for several weeks.
As upsetting as that was though, I was soon preoccupied with who I was going to be for Halloween. Yep, Halloween was just a couple of weeks away now. Of course there was the obvious, Jack Sparrow, Aladdin, Ghostbusters, Batman, or, yeah right, Peter Pan. But I wanted something unique. Then it hit me, Goku. How many guys would think of going as a Pokemon character? Thank the powers that be my mom is a seamstress. Within a week, I had the ultimate Goku costume. There was no doubt I’d be the star of Amy’s party this Friday.
I got to her party just before 10:00. There were at least fifteen characters and creatures there when I arrived, and guess what? I was the only Pokemon character. Yes, I knew it. I knew I’d made the perfect choice to be the most unique character there. However, about a half hour into the party, Amy ran to answer the door. Who should she see? Yugi. Well, some Yugi impersonator. So much for being unique…damn.
But then after a closer look, it was like, ‘Oh yeah!’ This wasn’t just any Yugi impersonator…this was a Welsh Yugi impersonator…a very cute Welsh Yugi impersonator. Yes! Now I might have been wrong, but I thought he would be just as thrilled to see my costume as I was to see his.
I was pretty sure too, because as soon as he saw me he said, “Sai'n credu hwn. Twll dyn.”
Then again, maybe I was wrong. I expected him to come right over to chat but he didn’t. We would have made the perfect pair. I mean Goku and Yugi, how cool would that be? Instead, he followed Amy to the table, got himself a drink and started dancing with her. For the next hour I watched him dance with or talk to everyone there except me. I gave a little wave and/or smiled every time he looked my way, but he didn’t even acknowledge my presence. It seemed we weren’t friends and clearly never would be. I felt like a total shit.
I so wasn’t having a good time. Yeah, I know I was kinda obsessing a bit. But there was something about him. I mean yeah he was cute and yeah he had a cute accent, but there was more. I can’t explain it, but it felt like he was the part of me that was missing. I don’t know. Does that sound weird?
Anyway just before midnight I decided I really didn’t want to be there any more so I told Amy I wasn’t feeling well and headed home. I got about a half block from her place when I thought I heard someone crying. I stopped and listened. It seemed to be coming from the kids’ playground, so I very slowly made my way over to where the crying seemed to be coming from.
When I got close to the slide, I saw a guy who looked maybe a year younger than me standing at the top of the stairs. As I looked closely, it looked like he had tied one end of a rope to the crossbar next to the slide. I almost shit when I saw him put the other end around his neck. Instinctively I ran. Just as I got to the slide he slid under the crossbar and dropped off the platform.
I don’t know how I did it, but somehow I caught him before the rope got tight. He immediately started kicking and twisting and struggling, but there was no fucking way I was going to let go.
I couldn’t get to my phone ’cause I couldn’t let go of him, so I started yelling and screaming for someone to come and help us. A couple of little kids ran over. They couldn’t do much themselves, but they ran off as fast as they could to get help. About three minutes later, they were back with almost everyone from Amy’s party.
As soon as Gareth got close, he came unglued. I was holding up his younger brother, and he was immediately right in there helping me hold him up while Jason climbed the stairs to cut the rope. It took him about ten seconds to do just that, and as soon as he did, the young guy, who I now knew was Trystan from Gareth’s cries, dropped into our arms and the three of us stood there and sobbed. Yeah, me too.
Everyone else just stood back and watched in total shock. We hear about things like this all the time and even got the talk at school, but they had just witnessed a schoolmate try to kill himself. And he was the brother of a close friend of theirs.
I have no idea how long we stood there before we heard the sirens and had cops and paramedics all over us, followed very closely by Gareth and Trystan’s mom and dad. A lot of what went on in the next half hour or so is just a complete blur. I know I talked to one of the cops a lot and to one of the paramedics. I think Gareth even gave me a hug and said something to me. Maybe his mom and dad did too. I don’t know.
Eventually it got quiet and I was sitting on the ground, my arms wrapped around legs, my chin resting on my knees, and just staring off into space. Someone had their arms around me but I didn’t know who. Then I felt a kiss on my cheek and I heard my mom’s voice.
All she said was, “I love you so much, sweetheart.”
Then Amy knelt down in front of me, brushed my cheek and said, “We all do, Jaky.” I kinda had to smile ‘cause I haven’t been called that since I was about three.
After a bit, Mom, Amy, Jason, and I slowly made our way to my place. We sat around with a hot chocolate each and talking until it must have been like 3:00 in the morning. None of us felt tired, and even if we did, we wouldn’t have been able to sleep. After Amy and Jason went home, Mom got me to lay back on the sofa with a fresh hot chocolate.
The next thing I knew, it was noon. My first thought was, ‘I have to find out how Trystan is doing.’ However, Mom’s thoughts included me having something to eat, changing out of my Goku costume, and having a shower. In the meantime, she would try to set things up for me to see him.
I guess the rest of the night had been very eventful for Gareth, Trystan, and their mom and dad. They learned a lot about each other in the hours following the playground thing. Their parents learned that Trystan wasn’t the happy-go-lucky boy they thought he was. The only one who knew why was Gareth, and he wasn’t very helpful. In fact, he quite often went out of his way to make Trystan feel like shit. Although he had no idea, apparently their dad was quite vocal about Trystan’s situation too, and their mom seemed to agree with him on more than one occasion.
All that came out as Trystan lay in the hospital bed overnight. Trystan’s situation? Not really an uncommon one. You see, Trystan liked boys, meaning Trystan was hoyw, or in English, Trystan was gay. He had been terrified of being found out, of being hated, and of losing his mom and dad’s love. He assumed he had already lost Gareth’s. However, he learned that night that he, in fact, hadn’t lost Gareth’s love, nor would he ever lose his parent’s love.
They, on the other, had learned that going along with the crowd, so to speak, and mouthing off about something they had no understanding of, nearly cost them a brother and a son who they loved as much as life itself. They literally fell over each other apologising and doing all they could to prove to him that being gay or straight had nothing to do with their loving him, their wanting him, and their needing him in their lives.
After considerable time spent with the hospital’s suicide intervention group, and since he had no physical injuries, thanks to me, they were finally allowed to take Trystan home.
Mom was able to get hold of someone at the hospital and they gave her a little bit of info. Not much because they’re not allowed to say much. Mom did however know they would be able to go home by 3:00. Considering they probably hadn’t had much, if any sleep, she persuaded me to wait until the next day to try to see either Gareth or Trystan.
By10:00 the next morning Mom was either going to let me go over to their house or go out of her mind. She finally phoned, talked to their mom, and was told they would love to see me. When I got there, their mom greeted me with the biggest hug imaginable. Even Gareth, who had some obvious tears, gave me a hug. Trystan was sitting on the sofa and just kinda looked at me. Then the tears started and he slowly walked over and hugged me. It turned out to be a rather long hug too.
His mom said, “I think we’ll just give you two a minute to chat,” as she and Gareth disappeared into the kitchen.
We didn’t exactly break our hug, but we did move over and sit on the sofa.
“I don’t know what to say,” were his first words, “Thank you so much for keeping me from doing the stupidest thing I could ever have done. I owe you my life.”
I gave him a squeeze and replied, “For not knowing what to say, I think you did alright.”
“You know why?” he asked.
“I think maybe,” I answered.
“I’m gay,” he stated.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I so didn’t want to be,” he said between sniffles. “I was so scared I’d lose everyone, Gareth, Mom, Dad, everyone. For years, you know, stuff they said, stuff they did. And the gayness wasn’t going to go away and I just couldn’t deal anymore.”
“I’m so sorry you put yourself through that,” I responded, “You should never have to feel like that. Love is love man. It’s not like who you fall in love with should be a big deal…to anyone. I mean who are we hurting?”
There was a slight pause in our conversation at that point. Then, finally, looking directly into my eyes, he asked, “We?”
I just smiled.
Of course, that was when his mom popped her head around the corner and asked if we wanted a snack and a soda or something else to drink. We both responded in the positive and wandered into the kitchen. We spent a rather nice half hour or so just chatting back and forth. Gareth actually seemed to like me. In fact, he suggested the three of us should go for a walk down by the river. So we did.
It was a great time, a really great time. We talked, fed the geese, skipped rocks across the water, stopped for an ice cream, and even joined a group of guys throwing a Frisbee around. But before we knew it, it was time to head home for dinner.
There was something else that afternoon too. There seemed to be something going on between Trystan and me. It’s not like we were all over each other or anything but there was kind of a connection. At first I just assumed it was a, ‘you’re special because you saved my life,’ kinda thing. However, as the afternoon progressed I realized there was something mutual going on. And yeah, I know I’d made some stupid remark about Gareth being a missing part of me or whatever, but this was different. It wasn’t some horny teenage fantasy. It was quiet and kinda hidden, but it was there.
I guess I wasn’t the only one to notice either because when we parted company as we got to my place, Gareth leaned in and very quietly whispered, “You hurt my little brother and I’ll hurt you.”
Then he gave me a little push, added, “Wanca,” and grinned as they walked away.
I must admit I slept very well after dinner. I slept very well after Mom woke me up and sent me to bed too. I woke up about 9:00 the next morning to my phone ringing. It was Trystan wanting to know if I wanted to go to the mall. Oh, did I mention, Trystan had asked to exchange numbers?
I was up, shat, showered, (I don’t have to shave yet), and eating breakfast in like ten minutes. Ten minutes after that, Trystan and I were on the bus and headed for the mall. He mentioned he had never simply wandered the mall for something to do, and I almost laughed. But when he added that he’d never had anyone he wanted to go with, I backed off.
I know many of you don’t understand why anyone in their right mind would want to wander the mall. Well there is an arcade, there is a food court, there is a theatre, there’s tons of shit to look at that wish you could afford to buy…and people watching…you have no idea how many total space-cases are allowed to wander around the city unsupervised.
Once again we had a great day. Just the two of us chatting about everything from school, to dreams, to hopes, to fantasies, to…whatever. I nearly teared up when Trystan noted how he had nearly thrown those all away. The best part however was when we were on the bus on our way home. I had my hand on my knee, and about halfway home, Trystan quietly slid his hand over top of mine. When I glanced at him, all I saw was a great big grin which I instantly returned.
Then it was Monday…damn…and school.
Just as I was getting ready to head out the door, there was a knock. Guess who it was. Yep, Trystan. I grabbed my books and we were on our way. I’d never given it much thought before, but you know it’s nice to have someone to walk to school with. Instead of worrying about that assignment you never got finished, you can distract yourself and talk about all sorts of interesting stuff.
Speaking of interesting stuff, apparently I wasn’t quite done with my interesting weekend yet. Just as we started up the front walk into the school, one of the assholes, who gets a thrill out of picking on me, laughed and loudly announced, “It looks like the little faggot found himself a boyfriend to diddle his little ass.”
Before I could even think about it, Trystan had already replied with, “And you got a problem with that you fuckin’ arsehole?”
Well apparently he didn’t, because he immediately turned and walked the other way. And apparently neither did anyone else.
In the meantime, although I’d nearly shit myself, I had to laugh as I said, “I can’t believe you said that.”
Trystan just looked at me and laughed as he replied with, “The guy’s probably got a gallon of Vaseline and a twelve-inch dildo hidden under his bed.”
Okay this was a squeeze the ass cheeks tight kinda laugh. As I was recovering, I realized life at school was likely going to be a whole lot different from now on. I think my boy was coming out…and he was bringing me along with him. And you know what? I was ready, and I decided I was going to love every minute of it.
Don’t ask me why I hadn’t noticed Trystan was on second lunch break, but as I walked into the lunch room he was standing by the door waiting for me. As I walked up to him, he put his arm over my shoulder and guided me to our table. Yep, I think we were coming out. Amy and Jason, who were already sitting there just grinned at us. Jason actually winked at me I think.
Of course it didn’t take long for the new gay couple rumour to get established. We hadn’t even kissed yet and I was going to be expecting his first child any day now, if you know what I mean. Like geez. I can’t tell you how stared at I felt. And of course the questions. You’re gay? Are you and Trystan going out? You seriously like dick? When I got the, “You swallow cum?” question, I was going to ask him if he spit, but I thought better of it. He was kinda like twice my size.
I did get, “So you are a fucking faggot,” from one guy. That was the last thing he said…for the rest of the day probably. That was also the last comment I heard that involved the words faggot or fag. You see, Jason, yep, good old Jason, rope cutter and the captain of the lacrosse team, was standing right behind him when he made said mistake. I can honestly say I have now seen the ultimate wedgie. I can also say I never knew a guy could make sounds quite that high pitched. For his sake, I’m hoping the only reason he’ll need to wear a condom won’t be just to protect himself from STD’s.
As far as school, and as time went on, Trystan and I were known to be a couple, but since we were Gareth’s brothers, Amy and Jason’s best friends, and close friends with Zac, Teddy, Aaryn, Emmett, Theo, and six other members of the school’s football, basketball, and lacrosse teams, there wasn’t nobody messin’ with us, hehe. The best part, though, was Trystan’s realizing that being out was cool. Actually, I found it kinda cool too. We didn’t lose anyone who mattered. In fact, if anything, we gained friends and definitely gained allies. So, yeah, it was cool to be out.
That Monday was just the beginning however. Not just a coming out beginning, but the beginning of an amazing relationship. Since Trystan often needed help with math, he needed my tutoring quite regularly. And since we often studied late into the evening, he was often forced to sleep over. I know that sounds bad, but it wasn’t.
We formed a bond I don’t think could ever be explained. That part of me thing…well it really happens. Within a few months Trystan was a part of me and I was a part of him. Today, six years later, we have only grown closer and more a part of each other. We are in the process of adopting twins, and oh yeah, did I mention we got married last year? We are now Mr. and Mr. Scott-Wilson.
We’ve both finished university too. I’m a software engineer and working at developing and maintaining software systems for the university, as well as working with some hardware development for them. Trystan is a high school English teacher and a counsellor. He, not surprisingly, teaches English, but most importantly helps kids deal with life, especially kids like us, right here, at home, at our old high school.
As for Gareth, mae e'n wanca? Well he’s now an electrical engineer and does stuff like plan and direct the design of electrical equipment, and Amy, she’s now a technical writer, so she spends her time transforming scientific and technical crap into easily understandable English. And, let’s not be forgetting Jason. He’s teaching Phys. Ed. also at our old high school, and of course coaching the high school lacrosse team. Oh yeah, and surprise, surprise, he has a boyfriend, Zac.
So there you have it…well the first bit. I’m living the life of my dreams with the man of my dreams, and he simply dropped into my arms as two sad, dejected boys, one on the verge of doing the unthinkable, came together and fell in love.
Translations of Welsh words and phrases in Twll dyn:
Twll dyn! — Arsehole!
Be' ddiawl sy'n le 'da chi? — What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam chi ddim yn gwylio lle chi'n mynd! — Why don’t you watch where you’re going!
Wanca — Wanker
Sai'n credu hwn. Twll dyn. — I don’t believe this. Arsehole.
Hoyw — homosexual
Thanks to Colin for editing, prepping, and posting this story for me.
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This story may contain occasional references to minors who are or may be gay. If it were a movie, it would be rated PG13 (in a more enlightened time it would be rated G). If reading this type of material is illegal where you live, or if you are too young to read this type of material based on the laws where you live, or if your parents don't want you to read this type of material, or if you find this type of material morally or otherwise objectionable, or if you don't want to be here, close your browser now. The author neither condones nor advocates the violation of any laws. If you want to be here, but aren't supposed to be here, be careful and don't get caught!