Title:	Closet Musings
Author:	Blue Ben W.			Narrator:	Blue Ben W.
Kind:	Poem	Type:	MP3	Time:	00:10:26	Size:	9.55 MB

Closet Musings

By Blue / Ben W. ~ 2005-11-03

Closet Musings 1
This Closet Thing

By Blue / Ben W.

• Draft: 2005-02-12
• Final: 2005-11-03

1. Verse
   1. This “Closet Thing,”
   2. It’s getting to me.
   3. I hid inside,
   4. The darkest corner,
   5. And slammed the door.
   6. Bang! To shut out what?
   7. My life, my future?
   8. Love and happiness?
2. Verse
   1. Yeah, I hid inside,
   2. My true thoughts,
   3. My intimate emotions,
   4. My dreams, in all their senses.
   5. Yeah, I had issues,
   6. I read them secretly,
   7. They grew in stacks, unnoticed.
   8. Yeah, I had baggage,
   9. But I wasn’t going anywhere,
   10. Or visiting anyone.
3. Verse
   1. Like a plant in a closet,
   2. Something in me withered.
   3. I shrank from closeness,
   4. But my feelings didn’t shrink.
   5. And my dick and balls sure didn’t.
   6. Hah, good thing I had a sense of humor.
   7. But even those most private parts,
   8. Don’t truly make a man.
4. Verse
   1. I had my reasons,
   2. I told myself.
   3. Past experiences,
   4. Less than lovely;
   5. Religious questions,
   6. Paradoxical quandary.
   7. Just plain old fear,
   8. And not enough support.
   9. Not enough loving times
   10. To see there could be more
   11. Than just disappointment
   12. Or outright hurts.
5. Verse
   1. So I seesawed between true and false,
   2. And ran around in lonely loops,
   3. Like some silly mutt,
   4. Chasing his own tale and tail,
   5. And not getting any,
   6. Nor giving any either.
   7. Too long alone,
   8. Lost in confusion,
   9. Trapped in my past.
6. Verse
   1. But oh so slowly,
   2. Barely, my naked soul,
   3. Found bits and pieces
   4. Of things to help,
   5. To bring air and light
   6. Into that cramped and tiny space.
7. Verse
   1. Then one day, a friend
   2. Noticed a locked door with a shaky knob,
   3. Figuratively, for he was straight.
   4. He looked inside, and saw me there,
   5. Anguished and ashamed,
   6. Afraid to admit what bothered me.
   7. He asked me questions,
   8. Wouldn’t let it alone,
   9. In ways that snuck around it,
   10. So subtly pushing, I didn’t see it,
   11. Until he asked a question
   12. I couldn’t avoid.
   13. Not, “Are you gay?”
   14. But one I couldn’t dissemble,
   15. Couldn’t pretend to ignore,
   16. Couldn’t change the subject.
8. Verse
   1. He handed me the key.
   2. I opened the door.
   3. I peeked outside.
   4. The light was so bright,
   5. The air was so warm,
   6. It was good to be free,
   7. Released from confining
   8. Solitary stillness.
9. Verse
   1. Then there was a new set of problems.
   2. I’d never faced before.
   3. How confusing now,
   4. As though I’m a teen all new.
   5. And I still had that loop,
   6. Repeating circles
   7. Around in my head.
   8. Not since adolescence
   9. Have I even tried,
   10. Or loved another,
   11. In any sense.
10. Verse
    1. How strange it is,
    2. To lack adult memories
    3. Of love and sex,
    4. To lack experience
    5. Of letting myself look,
    6. Of letting others look,
    7. Of asking someone
    8. Male.
11. Verse
    1. Just how does one do these things?
    2. I know it’s like asking a girl,
    3. But I hardly even know that.
    4. A gay place and gay people,
    5. Especially gay guys?
    6. Oh, how anticipated.
    7. Oh, how uncertain.
    8. I’m going to try.
12. Verse
    1. I’m dragging my feet.
    2. I’m holding onto that closet door.
    3. Gripping, clawing, to stay in.
    4. Like some wild creature,
    5. Too long caged,
    6. That sits inside the cage
    7. Despite the opened door.
13. Verse
    1. This “Closet Thing,”
    2. Let it be a little wild,
    3. But let it come out in the open
    4. Into free air and sunshine.
    5. Now to find the path
    6. Out of the “Closet Thing,”
    7. Out of the wilderness.

Closet Musings 2
Stepping Outside

By Blue / Ben W.

• Final: 2005-11-03

1. Verse
   1. Stepping outside
   2. The opened closet
   3. Letting go
   4. The closet doorframe
2. Verse
   1. Sunshine, warmth, air,
   2. And laughter, with, not at
   3. It feels good, around others
   4. Like me
3. Verse
   1. I’m nervous,
   2. So new, all new,
   3. All unknown
   4. But I’m out
4. Verse
   1. Beyond the opened closet
   2. There’s a bigger world
   3. Brighter, happier,
   4. Who I want to be
5. Verse
   1. I want this
   2. I need this
   3. I crave this
   4. Life, friends, love
6. Verse
   1. I missed this,
   2. What I didn’t have
   3. So simple and basic
   4. So big and marvelous
7. Verse
   1. So different than before:
   2. Solitary, isolated,
   3. Self-imposed,
   4. Secluded confusion
8. Verse
   1. I’m learning I can be
   2. More open than I ever was
   3. Even at my best
   4. At last, free!

Closet Musings 3
Closet Cleaning

By Blue

• Final: 2005-11-03

1. Verse
   1. I’m closet cleaning
   2. Out of my closet
   3. I stepped
   4. Beyond the doorframe
2. Verse
   1. How cramped and small
   2. And lifeless it was
   3. Unlit and airless
   4. Confining senselessly
3. Verse
   1. Now I’m out the door
   2. Just a little bit more
   3. It’s time to clean this place
   4. Out all the way
4. Verse
   1. Open the windows
   2. Air out the place
   3. Let in some sunshine
   4. Lighten this space
5. Verse
   1. Put in a bright new light bulb
   2. When times get too dark
   3. You can shine a new light
   4. Shed some truth on the case
6. Verse
   1. Embarrassing dust and cobwebs,
   2. Things broken or in disarray
   3. Clean and polish and sort,
   4. It’s better today
7. Verse
   1. There’s too much in here,
   2. Don’t assume a closet
   3. Is just one issue
   4. Closets hold collections
8. Verse
   1. Over here are my issues,
   2. I kept them in stacks
   3. Hiding behind them
   4. Against inside attacks
9. Verse
   1. Over there is my baggage,
   2. Piled all in heaps
   3. Hiding beneath it
   4. Against outside travails
10. Verse
    1. There is my luggage,
    2. I lugged it around
    3. Hiding beside it
    4. Weighting my flights
11. Verse
    1. High-piled expectations,
    2. Coulda, shoulda, woulda
    3. Deck them now to heights
    4. More reachable, not unreasonable
12. Verse
    1. Look over there,
    2. Suited armor all gleaming
    3. Shielding me from harm
    4. See all those gaps
13. Verse
    1. Armor, no matter how thick,
    2. Has holes in weak places
    3. Outer hurts sneak in
    4. Inner hurts, unprotected
14. Verse
    1. Heavy armor, bravely bare it
    2. Light loose clothing is best
    3. Open and honest
    4. Needs no pretense
15. Verse
    1. Wholly holey holy
    2. Suits for Sunday and business
    3. Their own flashy armor
    4. Let them be just clothes instead
16. Verse
    1. Changing clothes then,
    2. Here’s me in my underwear
    3. How long since anyone’s seen me
    4. Wearing these or less?
17. Verse
    1. Time to be barely dressed
    2. For exercise, for time in the sun
    3. For being disarmed with friends
    4. For love once again
18. Verse
    1. Boxes of old memories:
    2. Some need throwing out
    3. They’re not helping anyone
    4. So why do I review them?
19. Verse
    1. The past is passed
    2. Don’t dwell there anymore
    3. Leave bad and sad times
    4. Don’t need to pass them again
20. Verse
    1. Mementoes here,
    2. People I miss
    3. Some moved, some lost
    4. Bye, by no one’s fault
21. Verse
    1. Loved ones I miss,
    2. Would tell me this:
    3. Love and live again
    4. Honor us that way
22. Verse
    1. Don’t keep digging
    2. We love you, you love us
    3. Now leave this, for us
    4. Love and live life again
23. Verse
    1. Boxes of old memories:
    2. Some are good and cherished
    3. Show them so all can see
    4. How beautiful life can be
24. Verse
    1. Boxes of old memories:
    2. A few of these are private
    3. Just between you and me
    4. They’re safe here, my friend
25. Verse
    1. Once in a while,
    2. We’ll visit them again
    3. The bad times won’t hurt so
    4. When the good times are shared
26. Verse
    1. There’s lots of room
    2. Inside and out
    3. For new memories
    4. Let love fill this empty space
27. Verse
    1. Over here are keepsakes
    2. From throughout my life
    3. Souvenirs, mementoes,
    4. Remember what I’ve learned
28. Verse
    1. Here’s one for you, buddy
    2. An empty box for your full one
    3. Leave the empty box,
    4. Let’s clean out your full ones
29. Verse
    1. I’ll lend you a hand,
    2. I’ll lend you a shoulder,
    3. Friends reach in or out
    4. When closets need cleaning
30. Verse
    1. So here’s an empty box,
    2. A light bulb, a cleaning rag
    3. Closet cleaning, start a trend
    4. Help one another, gain a new friend
31. Verse
    1. Soon enough, closet cleaning,
    2. Things reorganized and tidy
    3. Good things kept,
    4. Bad things discarded
32. Verse
    1. We’ll rest like good friends,
    2. And laugh at our folly
    3. And cry happy tears
    4. Unburdened and shiny, renewed
33. Verse
    1. Shoulder to shoulder
    2. With our loved ones,
    3. Our partners and friends
    4. New friends and family await
34. Verse
    1. Hey buddy, what’s in your closet?
    2. Are you in there, hiding?
    3. Will you open the door?
    4. Do you need help to open it?
35. Verse
    1. Closet cleaning, start a trend
    2. Help one another, gain a new friend
    3. Teach your friends this lesson:
    4. Learn to live and love again